A Dark Reflection.

A Dark Reflection.

It is said that, when you stare into the abyss,

                The abyss, stare right back, into you.

To that I say, that in the lonely light of day,

                Never have I heard something, more true

The cracks in my vision, the scars on my mask,

                The break in my voice, the dread in my task

Scraping by with each act, I force myself to pass

                Drowning in an endless pool, each breath a desperate gasp

And as I feel myself begin to sink, I have lost my will to fight

                My eyes close to break, the bleak blackness of the night

The knife is grasped, life flashes past, I hear the harp commence

                 For inside this silent solitude, I witness, a world void of sense

It is said that, when you stare into the abyss, the abyss, stares right back, into you.

                I have become the abyss, and now, so have you. 

Challenge - If I had one wish

If I had one wish... what would it be.

Would I fly like a bird to see all that I could see

Would I scream and shout, because I was free

From all the things that weigh me down, like people and gravity.

Or maybe I would choose to breathe in water, 

Where dolphin love to play and venture

Where whales sing freely in songs of laughter

And life is as alien here, as it is, in the here-thereafter

Maybe I would wish away all the worlds sadness and pain

Seeing it, makes me weep, till I stand on the edge of being insane

for how can we live with all our blessing falling like rain

While others are abandoned, raped and killed again and again

Perhaps then, its not for me, this wish to make

Perhaps, rather my wish is for others to partake

In the wishing away wishes and all nonsense that's fake,

And rather to make the need for wishes irrelevant, for the whole of Humanities Sake

A Cold Hard Light - Chapter 1. One Week Earlier. pt 2

This was Violet Callaughway.

A dame who by any other name, would be just as deadly. Violet: nothing about her bespoke the softness of her name. Cast in a deep red dress, a black fur coat and hair and lips, the colour of fire, she stood before me, a shrine to all femininity and power. The door framing her in portrait. Her movements held a feline grace and calm betrayed a fierce personality. She was the purest porcelain, if it came with its own double edged blade.

I removed my feet from the desk, tapping out my cigarette in an old glass I stood. "Now why would you say that... Ma'am?"

"Mrs Callaughway please, I am no Ma'am." Green eyes, alight with collared fire, flared. " and I would not have come to you if I had the proof, now would I?" She walked in, and walked right to the open chair by my desk. Slit in the dress revealing white thigh as she sat. From her purse she removed a thin Elegán Black. I moved round the desk and offered a light.

She looked me in the eyes, accepted and lent forward, never breaking the gaze. I did my best to control the catch in my throat. She exhaled and sat back in the chair. I leant up against the desk, and lit up one myself.

"Is it not your job to find these things out?" She said, after a moment. "Surely you can not expect me to do the work for you?"

"I am not in the occupation of simply taking people at their word, Mrs Callaughway." I took another smoke. "What gives you the impression that your husband is trying to kill you? This is a very serious accusation if it is indeed true?"

"Are you calling me a liar, Mr Mallone?" Her voice and eyes betraying the ferocity her masked face hid. "I do not make it a habit to make personal calls just to shout Wolf... I am no lamb"

"Listen dollface, I just need to get my facts straight before I pursue this proper, you hear? If this is this kind of threat, then why have you not gone to the police? Surely they would be able to get you some proper, protection."

Red lips kissed the black smoke as she inhaled, eyes penetrating straight through me. "You know who my husband is Mr Mallone, and you know how story and connections. Why would I go to his dogs, when I can just one of my own?"

Silence passed between us. I felt like a fly tentatively making his way through a spiders web.
Although, a strikingly Beautiful spider at that made the risk was worth it..

"I will check out your story Mrs Callaughway." I said, "Although I make no promises, but," through a smokey exhale, I reached for my coat, badge and gun. " if there is something to find, I will find it."

The corner of her lips curved up ever so slight, and she rose. "I would not expect anything else." Putting the cigarette out she walked herself to the door, where she stopped, turned back. "I'll be seeing you around, Mr Mallone." a voice like hot honey.

And then, she left.

Charlene bustled through, "A new case?" She asked, with a notice of trepidation.

"Yeah Charl... listen can you take messages again today. Gonna try'an find a place to start with this." I finished the last of the coffee, now cold and damping out my smoke made a exit toward the door.

An arm grabbed me just before my exit. A hand cupped just on the inside of my elbow, orange nails breaking my distraction. I peered into the blue eyes the bobbed brunette and saw the concern there.

"Be safe!" she said.

I unclasped her hand and gave is a brief squeeze, then left.

Just a conversation I found Interesting.

A) Hey, I have an interesting psychological question for you : do you think we can have perfectly neutral thoughts, with no positive or negative connotations, I know less negative thoughts and very minutely positive thoughts exist, but can we have perfectly neutral thoughts?

Think about it for a minute before reading more...

This has implications because we spend so much time thinking in autopilot and sometimes I find myself in a bad mood or dreading something, could it be that these autopilot thoughts are affecting my state of mind without my awareness..?

B) I suppose it is possible to have neutral thought depending on what you mean by neutral.
For instance, the is a chair in front of me and I think, "Chair" to me it feels like a perfectly neutral thought. I dont really have an opinion on the word or concept.

However I am predisposed to understanding the word and language by my experiences with 'chairs', of which I have had more positive experiences than negative. so perhaps it falls more under the minutely positive thoughts rather than purely neutral.

However you bring up autopilot, and that is an interesting set of thoughts. Autopilot is like conditioning. Like in martial arts or when converting something from a task to a habit. Your conscious awareness of the motions you are doing is slowly pushed aside as the brain creates paths that allow for the reactions to be controlled without necessary effort.

Like a computer I guess, when it defrags to try and streamline information and processes, so that it can free up space. and memory. to use a crude example. lol

Now this is all fairly apparent, and I can only use my own example from here on. My experience with autopilot is two fold. Necessity and detached. For instance, my driving is autopilot, my morning routine is autopilot, answering the phone at work, withdrawing money. I am vaguely aware if at all, when I am doing these things. And yet I know that my body lower functions are aware, when I reexamine the events.

I didn't go through red lights, etc

But then I have detached autopilot, which is a result of my depression. My personality is on autopilot. which is a stage concept.
Its like, windows for mac lol, my normal personality is windows, however at the moment I am a mac, but I act like windows so that people don't think I am a mac. lol... Not sure if that was clear.

anyway, look this is getting to be a very long reply. but I will finish it up. lol.
I am in autopilot even in my 'normal' responses, Like, I know what I would say, and so I say that rather than say what my depression would say.

That form of autopilot occurs in a lot of people in different ways, Its a detachment. Because one is not actively engaged with the world then that disengaged meant can result in negative emotions growing. These can be anything from frustration to sadness and dread, and are not available to our conscious access because our conscious area is set on autopilot.

ok... last word I promise. lol...

However, to reflect upon the two points that you brought up, Can we have perfectly Neutral thoughts, and can autopilot be affecting you. The answer to the latter is yes. Autopilots thoughts have as much an effect on the body, and thus the state of mind because as much as our conscious mind might not seem to be conscious of the actions and thoughts, both the sense of detachment as well as the actions themselves are still experienced by the body and mind and so leave a mark.
And to answer the first. I do not believe it is possible for human beings to have perfectly neutral thoughts. Because as chemically driven and emotional beings we are experiential first and foremost. What ever the thought is, our minds and bodies experience it through emotions, or at least at a base line, attraction and repulsion. These will always hold sway to us and effect our thoughts.

Perhaps as a thought experiment only potential synthetic, not chemically driven, with a will of its own could have fully neutral thoughts. I dont know. 

A) I think that the awareness of us not having neutral thoughts means that we have the power to decide,  i'd rather have a positive thought over a negative one for example,  or think of something positively than negatively

B)Yeah, see that works as well. But I think its two factors. I think that there is a willingness to decide our outlooks, ie, the how power of attraction and perspective. Being positive rather than negative, looking for positive rather than negative. 

However, these do not necessitate that all our responses are under our 'knowing' control. I think that some of our reactions are hidden and subconscious. and therefore they have effects on our consciousness without our awareness. 

So I think, so long as your conscious awareness is driven to positive thoughts that it is better. But I think it was you who told me that everything is relative. We cannot know positive without knowing negative as well. lol

Challenge - The Last Story Left

The Last Story Left

O' Brothers, Where forth art thou?

I sit on this shelf, 

worn is my health,

I have seen the end

it's just round the bend.

I have a story to tell,

Though some may proclaim,

"its boring as hell",

or indeed, "It's quite lame."

But nothing is set,

as I can lay bet,

that indeed my words are,

as unique as Shakespeare.

Even as the shop is closing,

and my chances fall away,

My hopes, forever hoping,

that a hero will come my way

and save my creased hide,

so, my time I shall bide,

Through the 'Tut's' and the chides,

and the passed over tries. 

Although, I look like a bore

being the last used book, in this closing down, Used Book store,

I still have dreams galore,

to share with You all.

so, I sit on the shelf

Though worn is my health

and I can see the end

coming... just round the bend.

Challenge: Hello my name is....

Hello my name is...

That's what my label reads anyway...
Actually, it is sort of what all our labels read here at the hourly naming ceremony. All collected and crowded into the local auditorium meeting place, holding red stub number 2678362.

Yes... it is a pretty large auditorium.

My Name Is ...
It has always been ... . For as long as I can remember, which in itself is a bit of a difficult thing as all I can really remember is being here, in line, waiting for my designation. I remember when I was still in the 10000000 area, man oh man was I glad when my clothes finally came into play. I will admit that it was a 'wee' bit chilly until then.

Well it was chilly for the parts that I remembered. I mean I was unclothed for a while, but I was unsensed not long before that. Didn't even know what colour I was going to be back then, Just idle concepts of unformed matter taking up space. Just a mass of squiggles and ideas.

Its hard to fathom that 1936728 is now a Craig. I met him over at the break time cooler for us 'shaped' ones when we got to talking about potential names. I... I lost 25 words on him. I would never have pegged him as a 'Craig' though, always thought of him as a Brandon or Fisher, but oh well, the Auto-Autho-Parnam-Decoder is the one that gives us the names, there is no questioning it.

I am getting closer.

I am enjoying discovering my personality though. It is rather a fascinating plunge. I was speaking to 2678361 and he said that I started to sound a little polish in my accent. When I too started to notice, I found that I was also receiving memories. Memories of my mother, a quiet lady who put up with my drunken father. My Uncle who straightened him out after he hit her. The move from Poland to Ireland and my move from Ireland to Scotland to find better work.

It was all very strange finding out who I am. Before if I am honest, I didn't really have an opinion on anything in particular. It was all sort of, whatever is... well is really. But now, I seem slightly more hard-nosed than before. Not rude per se, but a bit more abrasive. I enjoy scotch and hot dogs. Football, thriller films, boxing, Robert Ludlum novels and 80's punk records.

I worked in the kitchens as a bus boy for two years before I fell in with the local gangs. But during a raid I was detained and kept in overnight. When no-one came for me a local cop, McCarstons, helped me out and took me under his wing. I became a plant for two years and then entered into the academy to become a detective. Finally achieving that goal I helped to track down local gang crimes and sort out the streets eventually leading to being head of my own vice team before my thirty second birthday.

Then the news came down of my mothers disease. Lung Cancer. Although not needing to raise my two sisters, them having gotten their lives sorted and gone to college, I had to sort out my mothers estate and discovering her gambling problem, I lost a lot of faith in the people that I knew. If my own mother could keep this from me. I became harder, pushed my team and friend further away, and on one bad night at the bar I noticed one of the new local gang thugs, Danny, harassing Nicky the waitress. Nicky had a soft spot for me and I knew it. We had hooked up a few times.  I went over to sort him out.

"Calling 2678362!" "2678362 this is your final calling please come to the AAPD."

Oh wow, I get to go. Its an exciting thing to find out more about yourself especially your name. Who Am I Going To Be???

I placed the stub into the AAPD slot and heard the machine processor go. the whirring and moaning the device reminded me of how I felt when my parents took me for my first ice cream on my tenth birthday. Vanilla and Strawberry.

The whirring noise ceased and the cranking and printing sound commenced and out spat a ticket.

"Name Designation"

I pulled at it with contained excitement.

"Tobiasz "Toby" Gwozdek"

I had a name... I was real now. A complete person. I felt that I had had that name forever and now. It was me.

"Purpose Designation"

A purple ticket was spat out.

I clutched at it readily and read, finding my elation fading.

"First Victim"

Oh...

Challenge - Vocatum Lunam

Vocatum Lunam

I have heard the call, the call, 

Her voice that shatters all, 

Her light as silent as a grave 

brings new life to my fall

I feel her prickle on my neck,

and her crawl under my skin.

Like a light that shine straight through

to the dark that's held within.

Her lights a voice, that denies choice

overwhelms my inner will

and destines me, on hollow path,

to my sanguine hell

Her haunting whispers like the tides

from the setting to the dawn

and on the rise of daylights bright

brings back the soul to mourn

For no-one knows Her moonlit sounds

like the children of the night

It's the silent scratching in your mind

To awaken the Lycan's delight.

Find my audio reading of this at : http://youtu.be/_R_JZ_8W-wg